“I messed up” “I got angry” “I snapped”
My friend, I hold your heart gentle in my hands. You are safe here, I’ve got you. Take a deep breath… go on..and let it all out.
* This was originally posted on my old blog. Updated in April 2021*
I know you feel like you’ve messed up, again. Maybe you are worried that you’ve ruined your kids and damaged them. Perhaps you are mad at yourself because you know better and can’t believe you snapped. It is okay. You are not alone. We are only human and there is only so much pressure we can take. I promise I won’t gloss over your pain with catchy phrases and things you already know.
What I do want to offer you is hope. Yes! If you are willing to consider this as an opportunity growth and change. There are a few things I really want to sink in…
- 💖 You are not alone, parents everywhere, in fact humans everywhere mess up. We make mistakes.
- 💖 You are not the mistakes you made. You are not a failure, or a mess-up.
- 💖 You are loved. Your children love you deeply and desperately want to re-connect with you (I can hear them just outside the door). The One who made you is loving on you right now. Know that you are here for a reason.
- 💖 This doesn’t have to be another “again”. You can break the cycle of how this one moment impacts your family.
I wonder how you feel now? What empathy can you offer yourself? What would you say to your child if they messed up? Go ahead and tell that to your own inner child. Take your time. Have a good cry. Your feelings are valid.
Once you feel calm
Once you are feeling a little better about yourself and what happened you could turn this around and use it as an opportunity to model amazing grace into the lives of your children and yourself.
Perspective – A lot of thoughts come from our own fears, about how our children will turn out, and who they will become. Some of what upsets us is actually out of our control. Consider your perspective and see if you might be able to let go a little.
Self regulation – It is so hard to regulate our own emotions, but important so we can be a good model for our children. Working to deal with your triggers is important. If you need some suggestions please let me know. Keep practicing, it will get easier.
In my emotion coaching courses I introduce some self regulation techniques and the importance of that. I also found it really helpful to set a timer and check in with myself throughout the day. I often get so wrapped up with the kids that I forget to take care of myself.
Reconnect – Your children just want you. They are so understanding and forgiving. But it may take a bit of work to reconnect with your kids after getting upset. Try to get into their world, find out what interests them, or just spend time being near them and see if they open up.
Repair – Many adults grew up with loving parents who parented from a different mindset. Did your parents ever apologize to you? How did that make you feel? What do you wish they had done or handled their outburst or yours? Do you see the power you have right now to change things for future generations?! You are modelling for them how to handle mistakes, and how to repair broken relationships. It may feel humbling and awkward at first, but a do-over is always possible.
Enjoy – Rediscover the joy in parenting. Savour those little moment in the day. See if you can get in touch with your playful side and bring a little fun back in.
Try again – In my post last week, I shared some thoughts and tips about what to do the moment you get upset. Take some time to read that through and practice. The more you practice you will re-train your brain so the next time you will remember hopefully some of it will stick. Then try again.
What does the Bible say about forgiveness, mercy, and grace?
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3:13 KJV
My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. 1 John 2:1-2 KJV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 KJV
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 KJV
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV
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More resources about anger
Joyful Mud Puddles Courses on Emotions